Has Big City U lost their collective minds? -- David Watson -- TUESDAY CARDINAL COUPLE

BIG CITY U'S ATTORNEY FIRM HIRES PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR TO INVESTIGATE BARNEY GOOGLE

(David Watson was one of the original writers here at CARDINAL COUPLE. He chimes occasionally on subjects when he's not out wading through the swamps of Bradenton looking for little white balls or prowling around yard sales collecting eight-tracks. He checks in today with a fictitious saga.) 

Good morning! It is nice to be back on these pages once again. When Paulie checked on my health a few days ago (and it is getting better all the time. Thank you for the calls, comments and e-mails I've received about my bout with pneumonia) he asked if I would fire him a thought or two from the "wacky and unpredictable" mind (as he puts) it of Dave-O. That's me -- for the record. Today's soup du jour is: 

WHAT NOW, BIG CITY U? 



So, here it is. I think Big City U -- or at least the ones in charge of the "Barney Google" issue and episodes -- have lost their minds. 

It was reported yesterday that the "University" has hired a private investigation firm to check into the background of fired impresario "Barney Google" . 

What? They're trying to shovel up dirt, cause innuendo and doubt on the guy who basically rebuilt the campus? And, much worse, they tossed those magic words and the eye-catching phrase "allegations of sexual harassment" into the revelation.

You want attention? Put those four words on any statement or comment. 

"Honey, would you mind stopping by the store and picking up eggs, bread and checking out the allegations of sexual misconduct on the grocery bagger? Thanks! You're a sweetheart!" 

Is Big City U really trying to look stupid or does it just come naturally? Barney Google is one of the last people in the world that would come to mind in regards to the phrase "allegations of sexual misconduct." That's like accusing Bugs Bunny of "discriminatory intentional profiling and occupational taunting" when he says:

"What's Up Doc?" 

You can almost envision Yosemite Sam running in, guns blazing, shouting "Say your prayers, you long-eared galoot!" to complete this ridiculous farce. 

So, you're faced with the very distinct possibility of paying Mr. Google a big amount of money for terminating him. You don't have much to go on. It's fourth down and time to punt. Hey! LET'S TRY THIS, INSTEAD! It's the kind of thinking that traditionally gives the opponent the ball yards away from your goal line. 

Let's face it. The actual firing of Barney Google was another "scratch your head and drop your jaw" move. President Shovel praises the guy eight months ago in a performance review...saying he has been "uniformly positive"...and now you're going through trash cans and putting a "tail" on a guy you've already fired? What is this? A plot line for a new "Dumb and Dumber" movie?

And, in typical chicken-s--t fashion, acting president Shovel at Big City U says that he didn't hire the P.I. and defers this to the law firm who actually hired Sam Spade, Magmum P.I. or whoever is sneaking down dark, shadowy alleys trying to find crumpled pieces of paper with the words "for a good time call 8675309". Interrogating librarians. Conducting interviews with girl scout troops and shot-putters. Getting in touch with the city newspaper. Ordering way too much food at a seedy diner. Choosing too much club on a hole that has water around it. Listening to opera. 

(The "8675309" reference is from a song called "Jenny". She's probably a prime suspect in this madcap, ridiculous witch hunt. Just keeping with Paulie and Jeff's mandate there be a pun or song reference in each article here at CARDINAL COUPLE. I'd hate to be brought up on charges.) 

So...what say you, big shot law firm? The law firm naturally replies that:

"Investigations are a routine part of ongoing or potential litigation." (And I think they said it with a straight face.)

Oh, boy. It's enough to make you slice your seven-iron shot right into Alligator Alley. As if I needed any extra help there. And, I might find a man in sunglasses lurking behind a palm tree, running out to check that badly hit ball and scooping it up -- screaming "circumstantial evidence" before running away. Only to end up in the jaws of ol' Granny Gator.

If this is how they treat you after 20 years of incredibly productive service and loyalty, imagine what they might do to Barney Google if he actually did something wrong! 

"Here's a cigarette (even though you can't smoke on campus) and we'll stop by to line you up and shoot you at sunrise in front of one of the buildings you helped construct. Oh, and have a couple of Rally's coupons, too." 

If you are fishing, Mr. Attorney, Mr. P.I. and Big City U, it's in a dried up mud hole with no bait. The man is about as much a sexual predator as a scarlet begonia. The embarrassment to his wife, his sons and daughters has to be off the charts. The personal attack and smudging of his reputation unforgivable. Litigation? You ain't seen nothing yet! 

Big City U would be best served by just paying "Barney" after some reasonable negotiation. In their case, that would most likely involve waterboarding and body punches in a darkened room. 

Big City U has given sports commentators, play-by-play announcers, talking heads and sideline reporters enough talking points and fill-in material to get them through even the most boring 52-0 shutout in any sport for the next three years. Bad light on an already dimly lit institution.

All the good and positive things that Big City U's athletic teams are trying to accomplish on the field of honor have just been sent back to the dugout on a called third strike. 

Send in the clowns, line up the elephants and keep your eyes skyward for Barney Google to be shot out of a cannon and end up crashing into the daring young private investigator on the flying trapeze. The circus has come to town and they've set up their tents on Big City U's stately front lawn. Again.  

Will there be women running forward to tell their tales of improper attempted trysts with Barney Google? Are there any? Will Magmum P.I. dig back into Barney Google's sordid childhood and discover he cut Mary Jane Plain's pigtail off with a pair of dull scissors and he actually stood up the prom queen on a date because he wanted to sneak down the alley with sexy Sally? Is Perry Mason available for the defense?

Give me the remote. I'm going to give it to my basset hound Frank and have him bury it where even Sam Spade can't find it. I'm going to take a long walk to try and get this off my mind. Followed by two guys in raincoats and hats, of course. By several facilities that Barney Google had the vision and foresight to have erected.  

Paulie's radio show, THE CARDINAL COUPLE RADIO HOUR, ends with a song "Look What We Can Do, Louisville!" I'm closing my eyes. I want to see no more. Big City U, you've lost a viewer. 

Those four words that strike fear into the heart of anyone who can read.

Allegations of sexual harassment. 

Almost as fearful as four more words. 

Get more lawyers involved.

I hope my next visit here to these hallowed pages are of a brighter and happier note and topic. Commenting about seeing Jeff Walz cut down the nets in Columbus after winning the National Championship. Reporting on a dog-pile on a UofL pitcher after a softball shutout in the ACC Championship game. Something, anything that is positive. No more Big City U drama or scuttlebutt. 

If I have my assumption wrong, please fill me in.

So there is a known case of Sexual Harassment where "Gristle" told the witness to be silent and was settled out of court...

...but...

“Someone” hired a PI firm to look into Barney Google and they go to a local media rag and specifically ask about sexual harassment claims?

Do I have that right?


In the meantime, I need to go back and review my pending allegations against Paulie for...well, unspecified reasons and perceived possible circumstances that may or may not include sexual chatter, three-point misses, Worldwide Jeff McAdams puns and/or greek Yogurt, 1999 Ford Taurus power steering problems and oleanders in Annandale. 

I remain (at least until evidence proves otherwise).


Your friend
Dave-O
David Watson.