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HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY FRIDAY @ C.C.
(TODAY'S CARDINAL COUPLE IS THE ANNUAL PARODY BLOG. WE'LL RETURN TO SERIOUSNESS ON SATURDAY)
-Walz, Strong change jobs
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-Louisville drops baseball, adds rifle
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-Softball team builds dome
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-Mann changes track practice routine
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-Men's hoops move out of the KFC YUM! Center.
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In a stunning coaching swap, Jeff Walz and Charlie Strong have changed jobs at the University of Louisville. Beginning Saturday, Jeff Walz will guide the UofL football team and Charlie Strong takes over the Lady Cards basketball squad. The news was announced at midnight in a packed Beef O' Brady's...across from Papa John's Cardinal Stadium.
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"Jeff and I were talking about how much we liked attending each other's games...and we decided to take it one step further and start coaching each other's sports." Strong enthusiastically rambled while hoisting a shot of tequila over his head at the popular Central Ave.restaurant. "I've got daughters, so this should be a snap for me and Walz...he's excited as all heck to be able and play in front of 50,000 beer soaked and indifferent fans."
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Walz was more tactical above the move. "You know what...? We can't kick the ball in hoops. There's been plenty of times I've wanted to...but it usually draws a technical. Now, I can order a kick any old time I want. And helmets...can't talk enough about those. I've been a helmet fan since the days of Bart Starr strapping on the Green Bay yellow and green and handing the ball to Paul Hornung. Now I get to watch 100's of guys run around in them. We tried Asia Taylor in one this year in practice, just to see how it would relate to the women's basketball game...but she knocked out two of our practice guys, assistant coach Norman and then she kept spiking the basketball every time we got the ball in the paint to her."
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Player reaction was mixed.
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"Yeah, sure...whatever." Shoni Schimmel growled while slamming in to a practice dummy. "I came here to play for Coach Walz...so if switching sports is what I have to do...there you go. It'll give me a chance to grow and bond with some new teammates and wait till the fans see my behind the back sideline toss to Josh Chichester."
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| "Whaddya mean they can't tackle in hoops?" |
Incoming QB hopeful Teddy Bridgewater was more to the point. "The only reason they're doing this is because in order for Damarcus Smith to get out of his LOI with UCF, he's undergoing a sex change operation. He's now DaMama Smith and no way O'Leary holds him to that letter after that. Smith can come to UofL...play four years for Strong as a shooting guard and explore a whole new world of relationships. I don't care who is coaching football. Just give me a offensive line that can give me five seconds to get a pass off and I'm cool."
Tom Jurich beamed in approval as we watched the two coaches exchange playbooks and recruit lists. "At first, I though they were crazy." Jurich confided. "But the more I talked to them..and the more Miller Lite I belted back...it began to make sense. We are "possibility city" here in Louisville, after all. ESPN, CBS, Turner Sports, ICN2...all the major sports media giants will be here giving the Louisville teams mass coverage. And that is sweet, dude!"
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| "You will shoot straight freshman Joker and you WILL beat Kentucky tomorrow!" |
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Because of plans to convert Jim Patterson Stadium into a outdoor roller skating rink, the University of Louisville has decided to drop baseball from men's sports and add rifle as a collegiate sport. Heading up the Cardinals new squad will be no other than actor R. Lee Ermey.
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Ermey's introductory remarks delighted a collection of reporters and rednecks gathered at the Louisville Sports Report parking lot...After spraying several rounds from an assault rifle over the spectator's heads, slightly injuring Howie Lindsey...who was parking his ice cream truck, Ermey addressed the crowd:
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"We will shoot straight, we will hit our intended targets...before they hit us and we will not lose. These guys are no longer with their mothers.I'm going to make killing machines out of them and they will proudly represent the University of Louisville with guns, bullets, superior strategy and fire power." Ermey assured the listeners... while standing on a dumpster. "We will fill Floyd Street with the blood of our enemy."
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When the sport of rifling was explained to Ermey...he seemed a bit crestfallen, but continued. " Aw, hell...it's a start, I guess. We'll petition the NCAA for some rules changes."
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Former baseball coach Dan McDonnell was diplomatic about the news. "Look, it's too cold up here to play baseball till May anyway and I won't miss those 30 or below degree practices at 10 a.m. I will miss the trips to California and Florida, though...so I've decided to become a semi-driver and still be able to go to spots like that. The players? Sure, they're disappointed. Means they got to transfer and impress a new coach. I'd be bent out of shape, too. But, if they want to join me in the big rig as I motor down I-75...they're more than welcome. We can listen to baseball games on the radio and maybe stop off in places like Atlanta, or Tampa Bay and see major leaguers play..."
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Tom Jurich was evasive about the switch. "Let's just say the Louisville Metro planning commission made me an offer I couldn't refuse. We're petitioning the NCAA to get Roller Derby sanctioned as a sport. That's about the only thing I can figure out to do with what's coming. Ice rink, yeah...I get that but, roller? Whatever..."
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| Karen Sypher leaves the UofL administrative offices after being denied an application for the men's basketball coaching job. |
Softball remains at Louisville and head coach Sandy Pearsall is taking every advantage of it. Recently, she undertook the massive project of building a dome over Ulmer Stadium. The catch is, it isn't being funded by the University or state.
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"I've got the girls selling brownies, holding car washes, playing the ponies, scratching lottery tickets and standing at busy intersections with collection buckets...any idea I can think of making money for the dome, I've considered and probably tried." Pearsall told court-ordered attorneys before she was led away in shackles. "They finish study hall at night and it's off to the University Club kitchen to bake and slice. Then, it's four hours of construction each morning before classes. Chelsea Bemis can lay bricks as good as any guy in a hard hat and you ought to see how high Taner Fowler can jump when painting drywall. We're tired of having to shovel the field clear of snow before games. A dome is long overdue and if Jurich won't fork over the bucks for it...I'll handle it my own way."
The project was put briefly on hold when Pearsall was arrested by campus police for building and staffing a toll booth at the intersection of Brandies and the I-65 South off ramp. "Hey, it was optional. They didn't have to pay us. We just told them that it cost a dollar to access campus this way and if they didn't like it they could get back on the Interstate and get off at the Eastern Parkway exit." Pearsall explained.
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A spokesman for nearby Kentucky-Indiana Building and Lumber refused to comment on possible kickbacks on softball season tickets in exchange for preferred pricing on building materials. "We have no idea what those girls were up to...but we're missing a bunch of concrete blocks...I can tell you that." supplies manager Plank Longhammer told members of the CARDINAL COUPLE staff shortly before running them off the property for sticking bricks into their pants...FREE PEARSALL! FREE ENES! FREE BEER!!!
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Louisville track and field coach Ron Mann is expecting great success with his newest and most innovative training routine for the track athletes at UofL yet. He's having them practice and run at Churchill Downs with the thoroughbreds stabled there. WE asked Mann about the tactic:
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"They call Churchill Downs 'the most legendary track in the world', so where could be a better place to train track athletes? The dirt's pretty soft, so if the hurdlers fall down, they don't get all bruised up and it's a mile oval..perfect for our distance runners. Long stretch, too, which is great for the sprinters.
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What about the interaction with the horses in training?
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"What great competition! I tell our kids, if you can outrun a horse, then you're really accomplishing something! Sure,we've had a few miscues...D'Ana McCarty knocked a jockey off a horse one morning when throwing the shot put and one of our sprinters got hung up in the starting gate...but, other than that, it's been a blast. Plus, the kids love to pet the horses and share the stalls with them at night. Just like camping, without the campfire. They frown on that back in the barns. Scares the horses, the flames do."
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What will he do when the live meet begins in May?
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"Well, there's 25-30 minutes in between races...plenty of time to get some laps and sprints in. And, we can always move them to the infield if need be. Nothing much goes on out there, right? I just gotta make sure the discus and javelin throwers don't get too close to the grandstands.."
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Citing annoyance with downtown traffic and outrage over concession stand pricing, Rick Pitino has announced that the UofL men's basketball team will play their 2011-12 home games in the on-campus Cardinal Arena facility in the Student Activities Center instead of the KFC YUM! Downtown Arena.
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"I've had it with trying to negotiate the traffic patterns, stop lights and the exit ramp off of I-64 at Third Street. We're playing our home schedule on campus. I originally wanted to move the games to the YUM practice facility over by Papa John's...but Lacrosse raised all kinds of objections about that...and they're really a bunch of mean babes when you piss 'em off...so we'll play in Cardinal Arena."
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"Another thing...have you purchased anything to eat or drink in the KFC YUM Center? Ridiculous! $7 for a beer, $11 for some chicken strips and french fries...and $8 for a Philly Cheesesteak that you can pick up on any corner in Philly or Trenton for about four bucks...Look, I'm pulling down about $7.5 million a year and even I think those prices are crazy. I can belt back merlot at Gulfstream for $3 a glass and they even give me complementary popcorn and a real glass to drink out of...not a plastic cup."
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When asked what would become of the downtown facility, expressly built for UofL men's and women's basketball...Pitino adjusted his reading glasses and glanced up from his Daily Racing Form...
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"No one is saying the dames still can't play there. They fill the lower level and that's a good thing...because the seats in the 300 level are horrible. I snuck in there when Walz's bunch played Tennessee...I've always had a thing for Pat Summitt...I was disguised as a Peruvian goat herder and no one was the wiser to my get up. I had Steve Mass put on a orange t-shirt and day-glo orange wig and no one recognized him either. We sat in section 303, pounded back Budweisers and nachos and couldn't see a thing down on the court. Had to watch the halfcourt video screen to figure out what was going on. And those steps! No way I'm doing those ever again. I feel bad for the fans who have to sit up there. Jurich should refund their money. Look, the city of Louisville can bring in concerts, host the circus, Disney on Ice, and play indoor major league soccer in there...but they aren't getting my guys anymore. Lost revenue? Not so fast....Cardinal Arena seats about 1000 or so. Sell season tickets at $1,000,000 a pop and...presto...revenue crisis solved. And, there are people out there who will pay that for 15-16 home games. I've got them on my rolodex in case C.A.F. or UofL Marketing needs any help. Plus, I've always wanted to get back to playing in front of fans in wooden bleachers and hard plastic chairs. No fancy,schmancy cloth and cushioned seats, no cupholders or bourbon bars...hoops the way it used to be. When dunks and three pointers didn't rule the game. Gladiators, those guys were. Warriors..."
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Pitino then abruptly left, saying..." I got this thing..across town...where's my driver?" All four reporters at the press conference remained...and played poker....jokers wild. And that sums up today's CARDINAL COUPLE. The joker was wild and the parodies were intended for humor, nothing else. (And, no...we're not switching to covering UK women's sports. Ain't enough money out there to bring that about...)
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(We'll return to regular programming on Saturday. Happy April Fools Day Readers!)
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In a surprising move, the University of Louisville announced late last night that they will be leaving the ACC after one year of membership and joining the BIG 12 Conference. Since most of the UofL Athletic staff is at a post-basketball season luau and monster-truck fest on Sanibel Island to celebrate spring break...unauthorized spokesman Timmy the Intern released the following statement he swears he got from an influential University official: 
Most of the coaches I've told this to have asked me if I have gone @@#$%&*! crazy. I thought Pitino was gonna throw me off that second floor balcony he has over there at his palace. Walz is fine with it. He sheds Notre Dame and Florida State..who he can't beat anyway...and adds his old pals Kim Mulkey and Sheri Coale into the mix. Walz doesn't care who he plays anyway...as long as they don't wear blue and have a snarlin' Wildcat on their jersey. 
The #13 UK Wildcats come to Ulmer Stadium tonight for a 6 p.m. game against the Cardinal Softball squad. 
