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Sunday, April 1, 2012

SUNDAY CARDINAL COUPLE -HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!

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SUNDAY CARDINAL COUPLE WILDCAT WRAP-UP


(Dear readers...for the last couple of years, we've run a parody of the blog on April's Fool Day. WE scared a lot of people last year with it...so be advised that the following articles ARE parodies, NOT TRUE and just our annual April Fools Edition. We have added a brief paragraph or so after each entry with an ACTUAL real summary of the event.)


Enjoy.


-PITINO fired after loss to UK


-LADY CARDS Softball disbanded after DePaul loss


-CARDINAL COUPLE to shutdown


*****************************************************************************


Popular UofL Coach fired after eight-point loss to UK
-New Orleans, LA.


"I never should have
replaced you, Denny."
Hours after the University of Louisville lost to Kentucky 69-61 in the semi-finals of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, head coach Rick Pitino was fired by athletic director Tom Jurich in what can only be described as a bizarre incident. 


Standing in the middle of Bourbon Street Sunday morning and wearing a World War II General's uniform, Tom Jurich made the announcement to a shocked and surprised throng of party-goers celebrating in the aftermath of Saturday night's games. 


"I always wanted to be a pirate
with a parrot on my shoulder." 
"It is my great and esteemed pleasure to announce that I, Tom Jurich, being of sound mind and body and in no way affected by the Hurricanes I've been drinking since 9 p.m. this evening...well, I've canned Rick Pitino as the coach of the Cardinals. It was that or just shoot him. I can't get a prison charge this way, so Ricky...you're outta here! See ya and wouldn't want to be ya! Adios amigo!"


After shouting the words through a bullhorn in front of popular nightclub establishment PAT O'BRIENS, Jurich dramatically raised a hand in the air, stuck his thumb out and pointed down the street.


"One more pitiful bowl appearance and
I'm hiring you back to replace that idiot
Charlie Strong" 
"Tell your story walking, pal...because your new title is EX-UofL coach!" Jurich bellowed and then suddenly sat down on the curb, appearing unsteady and wobbly on his feet. "I'm gonna tell all of you something, see...and you damn well better listen good, pal. This whole week has been a total abomination. WE can't do this against Kentucky, we shouldn't be in the Final Four, WE couldn't shoot the side of a barn with a shotgun. I'm running out of boxer shorts...I'm just sick and tired of it all!" 


Jurich then staggered to his feet again and started wildly waving his arms in the air, nearly striking sportswriter Howie Lindsey...who was standing next to Jurich and dressed as the character Bluto from the comic strip "Popeye". 


"Fans like these two make me want to give up this
job and go dig ditches. Hillbilly trailer trash..."
"And it's all Rick's fault. All of it! I build a big, freakin' arena downtown and he can't even beat South Florida in it! Even Walz beat South Florida and that man couldn't coach his way out of a parking spot on a bicycle! So...Farewell. Good bye. Auf Wiedersehen. Adieu! I love that song! I wanted to be in that movie but...no! Tommy has to be athletic director. Tommy has to be a placekicker. Tommy has to TAKE OUT THE STINKIN' GARBAGE!" 


Jurich then lurched forward and started walking down the street, singing the popular song from The Sound of Music...stopping only briefly when Lindsey asked who would  replace Pitino.


"I should be in this cast photo. With my arm
around Julie Andrews." 
"Congratulations, big boy! You've got the job." he snarled and disappeared into the crowd, singing loudly and high-fiving UK fans. 


Coach Pitino was informed of the news as he got out of a limo in front of the Krystal on Bourbon Street and asked for his reaction. 


RICK AND HIS ASSISTANT
COACHES SPOT A UFO
FLYING INSIDE THE KFC YUM
CENTER AND TRY TO ESTABLISH
COMMUNICATION.
"I could care less." Rick chuckled. "I've got more money that most third-world countries. I'll just go sit at the big table with Charles Barkley and those other CBS bozos. Maybe I'll build a boat and sail around the Keys...playing Jimmy Buffett music and pretending I'm a pirate. Maybe I'll take Gorgui and Chane with me and we'll smuggle cigars out of Cuba. I might grow my hair out and join Journey. I love those guys. Don't stop believing...Hey, whose up for burgers and shakes? My treat!" 


(The University of Louisville lost a hard fought game against Kentucky Saturday night 69-61. The Cards overcame several double-digit deficits and tied the contest at 49-49 after a Peyton Siva 3 with nine minutes to go. UK responded with a 8-0 run, though and held on for the win. A great coaching job by Pitino last night. Peyton Siva had 11 points, Chane Behanan 10 and Gorgui Dieng grabbed 12 rebounds and had four blocked  shots for Louisville. And, Rick Pitino is still the Louisville head coach this morning and Tom Jurich the best athletic director in the world.)


**************************************************************************


A humiliating loss to a
school that doesn't even
play football
The University of Louisville's softball team lost their first game of the season to DePaul University 7-1. A second game was scheduled, but Sandy Pearsall took the team to the locker room after the first contest and read a statement to media and fans over the Blue Demon public address system shortly thereafter.


"Hello there ladies and gentlemen! As of five minutes ago, I have disbanded the University of Louisville softball team and have accepted a position as assistant head usher at Stonybrook Cinemas. I told the team before the season began that if they lost a game, I was going to give them all bus fare and send them home to their mamas and daddies. Well..it look them a long time to lose one...but now that they have...it is now the end of 12 years of CARDINAL SOFTBALL. 


"We've tried to teach her for four years to stand up. "
"We've had it rough over these past twelve years. We play on an antiquated, turf- bare sandlot that doesn't even have toilets or a concession stand. We started selling beer this year. I've never see so many AARP- aged people run out of a place, scratching their heads and wondering where they could go relieve themselves after a belly full of suds in my life! It snows here until May. You tell me how you play softball in 20 degree weather and my outfielders are building snowmen and throwing snowballs at each other in the third inning." 


"It's more than that. Jurich told me he'd slashed the budget 90% from last year. Said he had to pony up some more bucks to keep Charlie Strong here. Told me I could buy the team bats and gloves at the thrift store. Took all the seats out of the stadium and sold them to a revival preacher in Biloxi. He even sold the tarp we use to cover the field to a travelling circus." 


"It's bad enough I have to coach in a back alley
near the Interstate...then I get people like
this showing up to watch games..Jeezz!"
"So, I've decided to just get out of this whole deal and collect tickets at the cinema. It's a great job. You take the ticket. You smile at the customers and you tell them to enjoy the movie. When they're all seated and the movie begins, you sit in a comfy chair and eat popcorn and Goobers until the next movie starts. And, I'm making $2 more an hour than I was at UofL. I've enjoyed my time here on campus. Yeah. Right. I'd rather go through a root canal a day with no Novocaine."


After her remarks, Pearsall put 'Sweet Caroline' on the PA system and did cartwheels across the field before leaving in a exhaust-belching 1991 Ford Pinto. A collection of remaining players, support staff and some of the 3rd grade girls from Jesuit Day Grade School eventually took the field and defeated DePaul 4-3 in the second game. They named themselves the Arthur Street Assassins and plan on joining the Sunbelt Conference once they return to Louisville. 


(Louisville DID lose their first game of the season to DePaul yesterday 7-1 in the first game but came back to take the nightcap 4-3. DePaul jumped out to an early 2-0 lead in the second inning on a Katelyn Braget home run and built up a 4-0 lead before the Cards got their lone run in the top of the sixth when Kristin Austin tripled and came home on a Katie Keller sacrifice fly. The Blue Demons added three runs in the home half of the sixth for the final 7-1 score. Tori Collins (13-1) took the loss, giving up four runs and four hits in four innings.


The Cards jumped on DePaul early in the second game with two runs in the first inning. Jennifer Esteban singled to start the game and scored on a Austin single. Austin got to the plate on a Keller single. 


After DePaul tied the contest in the bottom of the first, the teams remained scoreless until the top of the fifth. Esteban and Austin pounded back-to-back doubles off Blue Demon pitcher Bree Brown....Esteban scoring. Austin reached the plate to make it 4-2 on a Hannah Kiyohara single. DePaul would score the final run of the game in the bottom of the fifth. Caralisa Connell got the win for Louisville, going 5.1 innings and allowing three runs on seven hits. Chelsea Leonard finished the sixth inning for Connell and Tori Collins came on to relieve Leonard in the seven and got the Blue Demons out in order. 


***************************************************************************************


Maybe we could sell the website to
this guy and he could post articles
about what kind of burger toppings he likes.
It's been a fun two and one half years being the fan voice of UofL women's sports, but WE decided Friday that we were going to shut down the website and concentrate on driving around the metro area and looking for potholes. It's pretty easy stuff...you drive down a street and if you see a pothole...first you avoid it and then you write down the address where you saw it. Then, you call the road maintenance guys and they come out and fill it. 


We're not sure if we can get paid for this or not...but we're not getting paid to do CARDINAL COUPLE either and this will give us a chance to get out, drive around and look at pretty flowers and see what's happening in different neighborhoods. Maybe stop for a coffee or ice cream or a walk through the park. Maybe we can get the city or state to just give us a tank of gas every three or four days. That would work. 
(Sonja to Paul) "If  you write another article about Becky Burke
I swear to the Holy Jesus that I'll cut
off your fingertips while you sleep. Let the poor girl
graduate and get on with her life, OK? "

We wanted to wait until the basketball game was played to tell you readers about this. We weren't going to bother and tell any of our contributing writers about it...all they do is complain that Coach Walz doesn't play Sara Hammond enough and pester us for PANERA Cards three of four times a week. And the upkeep of a bunch of unruly chimps and having to drag Bill the Goat out of perilous situations every week....who needs it? All the moronic e-mails and comments we get daily and spam artists, phishing and stupid bots out there that want us to refinance a mortgage that we don't have or try Viagra, tropical berry juices and off-shore casino gambling. 



A picture of the only readers we had in the month of March
Some of them can't even stand up on their own.
Hey, we're tired and my fingers bleed constantly from typing up this drivel for an unappreciative, illiterate and gaseous readership. Blah, blah, blah. 


We'll still leave the site access up, so those with writing and administrative privileges can log on and putter around here if they want. We'll see how that goes. Most of them couldn't write a two sentence paragraph about walking across the room and putting a plate on the table...but, most days we can't either...so what does it really matter? 


David Watson is the worst...Sonja spends hours going through the stuff he sends our way, running spell check and removing all the obscenities, profanities, bigoted references and death threats he puts in about Obama and Col. Sanders in each article he submits.  The man is dumber than a box of rocks and less interesting. He asks trees for advice. Seriously. We don't think he knows what periods or paragraphs are...much less how they should be used. 


Paul wants to form a speed metal band
with these three guys and give
up writing. Hello, Detroit!!
It's been great, CARDINAL COUPLE readers. Go check out some other website...we really don't care...or maybe turn off the laptop and do something productive like reading a book or performing volunteer work. 


Last person on the site please turn out the lights when leaving. We're off to the Ford Taurus and the open road, baby! 


(Fear not, readers. We aren't going anywhere. WE feel blessed and fortunate to have a website that started with a few friends and Google searchers reading and now receives an average of more than 2000 hits a day We marvel on how we have great writers like David, Jenny and Sandy. WE also appreciate all of our readers -- even the ones in Connecticut -- and the comments and great Internet finds from people like Commish Mark, Ellis and Shirley, PDX Phil and so many more of you. 



You are CARDINAL COUPLE. If it's wasn't for you...there would be no CARDINAL COUPLE. You (and us) are the fans. And, that's what this site is about. 


Thanks for riding along with us this far and we hope you'll continue the journey!


And, thanks for reading the PARODY April Fools Edition of CARDINAL COUPLE. See ya tomorrow! )
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2 comments:

  1. Well, I've been meaning to tell you all that I QUIT!!!
    I was just hired as the new Assistant for Louisville Women's Basketball.
    I start tomorrow.

    You might as well close the shutters, my first directive as new Assistant Coach is to fire you and all your hairy friends from being the fan voice of Louisville Women's Sports. There, I did it!!

    Starting Tuesday I am on permanent assignment in Oregon. Coach tells me I can come back, if an only if, I grow a foot, lose about 30 years off of my age and have mad basketball skills to boot. He may be surprised, I'm pretty crafty. I hope to be back by next summer!

    Until then, carry on. Well, uh, no. Never mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We were meaning to tell Jenny that we traded her last week to Red and Blue Review for three T-Shirts and a bag of gummi bears. WE forgot. The gummi bears were great but the shirts don't fit real well.

      Delete

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